While working with couples it soon becomes apparent that when they first get together if they don’t like certain traits or behaviours they think they can change them in their partner. They might have in a past relationship come home after drinking at 1am in the morning but we think “they won’t do that to me” or “they only acted that way because their old partner was unreasonable”. We think it will be different and we can change them only to find they eventually do exactly the same thing in your relationship. Does this sound familiar?
In truth the only person you can change is you and the only person that can change them is them!
Once we get our heads around the fact that they will only change if they choose to change then the relationship has a good chance of surviving and staying the distance.
Stop The Blame Game
As human beings, we are full of imperfections. We have all been damaged and hurt in unique ways that impact how we relate in our interpersonal relationships. It is easy to identify undesirable traits in our partners. Ironically, the longer we are together and the closer we get to someone, the more we tend to pick them apart for negative characteristics. When a couple enters therapy, they are often brimming with complaints about their partners. The difficulties and dynamics have become so complex that it is hard to sort through the many offenses of which they’ve accused each other. Chances are, in most cases, both parties are right, and both are wrong. Stop the blame game and start taking responsibility for your own actions. After all the only control that you have is to recognise the part you play and work at changing your destructive habits and patterns of behaviour. In order to resolve real issues, it’s helpful to abandon the case you’ve long been building, address your part of the problem, and start fresh with a clean slate. When you are vulnerable you are more likely to achieve what you want.
Observe before reacting
Naturally, letting go of past grudges and grievances won’t prevent you from getting into trouble in the future. When a conflict does arise, it’s an important exercise not to always react automatically in the moment. As an example think of a train, negative thoughts will come rushing by, but we can choose whether or not we get on. Take some time to step away and focus on something besides the conflict for a while. Since it takes two to tango, stopping yourself from being reactive in the moment prevents the argument from escalating into seriously destructive territory.
Identify patterns
When we feel overwhelmed by our emotions, it’s essential to ask what triggered you? Often, when couples start fighting, there is a feeling of hurt or abandonment at the root of it. Scenarios that stir up old feelings, especially those having to do with attachment, can make us feel insecure, unseen, unsafe, or purposefully wronged. If we felt rejected as children, we are far more likely to perceive those close to us as being rejecting as adults. If we felt intruded on in our youth, we may be more at-risk for feeling guarded or resistant to opening up. In your present relationship, your partner is not necessarily intentionally causing you pain, but rather, inadvertently triggering a primal reaction. By noticing patterns to what causes you to feel stirred up (anxious or enraged), you get to know yourself better, and you can deal with these emotions in a healthier manner.
Look to your past
After noting patterns in your reactions, you can start to piece together what is familiar from your past. You can question whether you’re projecting or replaying some dynamic that is familiar to you from your childhood in your current relationship. It may not seem obvious, but in looking closer you can make connections between the dynamic in your relationship and you or your partner’s early life. The culture of the family you grew up in will affect you as an adult. What was valued or looked down upon in your family?It’s important to consider that what are you reacting to now may set off emotions from your past. When we are reacting based on old experiences, we often see the present world through a distorted lens.
As you make connections to your own past, you will start to feel more compassion for your struggles. You can extend this same sentiment to your partner, seeing ways that they may be reacting based on painful experiences from their own past. When conflicts arise, you should try to see the scenario from their eyes and understand how they see the situation. You may not feel you are being rejecting by choosing to go out with friends or that you are being mean by making a jealous comment, but your partner may perceive things differently. Try to align your state with theirs and adopt an empathetic perspective toward what they perceived. Once you listen to their side of the story, “play back” what they’ve communicated to you to show that you understand how they’re feeling to see if you have it right. You can then come to understand, not only why you were triggered but why your partner was triggered. You can then have more compassion toward both yourself and your partner.
Communicate what you feel
Once you are both calm, you can explain how you feel without placing blame or acting victimized. When you communicate it is important to respect the fact that you each have unique minds that work differently. In doing so, you get to know your partner on a deeper level that, ultimately, will bring you closer. If both you and your partner are open to each other and compassionate towards your individual struggles, you can help each other overcome obstacles and become the people you both want to be in your relationship. Of course, nobody is perfect, and we are bound to mess up at times. Every couple consists of two separate, imperfect people, so when we do mess up, all we can do is repair. Instead of letting things fester or build, we can make sense of what went wrong and interrupt destructive actions. When we take these steps of interrupting harmful behaviours in our relationship and identifying patterns from our past, we start a journey of self-discovery that can be both deeply painful and richly rewarding.
The key to achieving lasting love thus becomes an act of differentiation , a therapeutic process of identifying the ways we were hurt in our past that lead us to hurt ourselves and those close to us in the present. It is an ongoing journey of self-reflection that helps us to reveal who we truly are and to know and love someone for who they are as well.