One of the first things I look for when working with couples is their attachment styles and how they show up in their relationship. In this blog, I will write about the most common attachment dynamic often referred to as “the anxious-avoidant trap” or “the push-and-pull cycle”. The couple performs a dance known as the tango, with one partner pulling away and the other chasing. The chaser gives up, and the one pulling away changes direction, moving back towards their partner and moving closer. The anxious insecure partner is the pursuer and the avoidant dismissive partner is the distancer. There is a reinforcing loop of unmet needs and frustration, and here is how the dance typically plays out:
1. The pursuer- distancer pattern
The anxious partner craves closeness, reassurance, and emotional connection. They seek frequent validation and worry about being rejected and abandoned.
Their avoidant partner highly values their independence and feels overwhelmed by too much intimacy. They often feel their partner is needy and withdraw when they sense emotional demands from their partner.
2. Triggering the cycle.
When the anxious partner feels their emotional needs are unmet, they become more clingy, needy, or critical, fearing rejection. This might involve checking their partner’s phone, asking for reassurance, and fishing to find out how their partner feels about them emotionally. They might threaten to leave, not meaning it but using the threat to test their partner’s reaction.
The avoidant partner feels suffocated by this need for closeness and begins to pull away, creating distance.
The more the anxious partner chases, the more the avoiding partner withdraws, creating a painful loop where neither person feels truly safe or secure.
3. Escalation and conflict.
The anxious partner will go on high alert and become hypervigilant. This means they escalate their effort, including texting them more, demanding reassurance, expressing frustration, or checking where their partner is on Find My Friends or Google Maps etc.
The avoidant partner responds by shutting down, stonewalling, dismissing their emotions, or ghosting to regain control.
This can lead to arguments, where an anxious partner accuses the avoidant partner of being emotionally unavailable, saying things like “you don’t love me or want to be with me”. At the same time, the avoidant partner sees the anxious partner as too demanding or irrational and needs to leave the situation.
4. Temporary reconnection
Sometimes, after the avoidant partners distance themselves, they return when they feel safe again.
The anxious partner is relieved and temporarily feels reassured. Their anxiety drains away.
However, the cycle repeats when another trigger arises, keeping both partners in a frustrating loop.
How can therapy help you to understand your push and pull pattern?
If this dance is playing out in your relationship both partners must increase their awareness of their patterns and adjust. We will explore this together and look at ways of managing your attachment style. When you become aware of your attachment style, it gives you a choice and you can change the part you play.
If you identify this pattern, it’s time to change your dance from a tango to maybe a waltz, which involves both partners moving towards and dancing together in harmony. Please get in touch if you would like to book an appointment to explore this further.
Thank you for reading.
Denise