My journey to become a counsellor began with grief. One of my favourite books is called “Grief Works” and is written by Julia Samuel. She talks about the paradox of grief and says “finding a way to live with the pain is what enables us to heal.” By this she means not immersing yourself but enduring the pain as it hits and then having a break through distraction, busyness and doing the things that comfort and soothe us. Every time we alternate between the two poles we adjust to the reality that we don’t want to face; that the person we love has died.
My experience was that people around me just couldn’t understand my pain and wanted to fix me by making unhelpful suggestions or by applying a time frame to my grief. I now understand that they didn’t know what to say or do and that is where counselling really helped. To have a safe space to say whatever I wanted was priceless. Sometimes I felt disloyal talking about my family and friends and even worse talking about my family member who had passed away. However, it was not about blaming and accusing it was more about understanding why I felt the way I did.
In counselling I learned:
- Grief is chaotic and we often feel out of control
- There is no time frame
- Triggers are all around us: music, TV, food, places, names, smells, time of year etc..
- It’s normal to have moments of deep sadness and then happiness
- Crying when it comes is a natural release
- You can feel exhausted and just need to sleep
- It can affect your ability to remember and concentrate
- Stay with the feeling as it will pass
- You will never overcome your loss but eventually you will accept it
- It is the most painful journey you will ever go through and there will be wobbly moments
- Be kind to yourself
The pain at times was unbearable and I went to see my GP. He automatically diagnosed me as being depressed and prescribed a course of anti-depressants. I knew I wasn’t depressed and stuck the prescription on my notice board just in case I needed to take them. I started a course of counselling and soon realised that I was hurting, in emotional pain and reacting to the loss of my loved one. Through her gentle acceptance of me, her non-judgemental manner I was able to talk, cry and pour out my emotions in a safe place.
Unfortunately in our society we are not encouraged to talk about death. Therefore we are not equipped and have no idea how to manage our grief. If you are struggling and experiencing grief please get in touch. There is hope and I would like to walk beside you in coming to terms with your loss and being a part of your grief journey just as my counsellor walked beside me.
Thank you for reading.
Denise