The problems in a relationship can start as soon as this stage ends. What started as new and exciting becomes normal and the chemistry becomes comfortable. This is when the relationship becomes real and the hard work begins. Couples that rely on the bonding hormones to stay at the same level can struggle to make the transition into more mature phases of love, such as attunement, trust and true intimacy.
Oxytocin known as the cuddle and love hormone is the most active during limerence. It is the hormone secreted during orgasm and breast feeding. Oxytocin is most responsible for bonding but can also be the hormone of impulsivity and bad judgement. Because of this couples are most likely to miss red flags at the beginning of the relationship. For example your partner may get overly angry at another driver but you dismiss it because in your eyes they are “the one” so therefore it must be the other persons fault. Even if you don’t ignore it you will be quicker to forgive than if it were to happen two years in the future.
Unfortunately, this phase, as wonderful as it may be, doesn’t last forever. Once the infatuation fades, the feeling your partner can do no wrong is replaced by more realistic thoughts. Here are some signs the limerence phase is over.
- You get bored
- You’re arguing and fighting more
- The butterflies and flutters stop or are far less
- You’re more comfortable around each other
- You have sex less often
- The intensity of the relationship lessens
- You spend less time together
- You feel irritated with your partner and less infatuated
So what can you do when the hormones wears off and the novelty fades?
Prioritise Friendship Over Fantasy
Actively get to know your partner. Ask questions and be curious about each other. Practice empathy and this involves seeing the world through the eyes of your partner and understanding their perspective. Make it a habit to learn new things about each other. Find out how the other likes to give and receive care, compliments, and even correction. And don’t take this work for granted: It’s the foundation of intimacy. Find out your partners love language and how they feel loved in your relationship. I will be writing another blog on this in the near future.
Prioritise Intimacy Over Sex
Limerence is marked by a heightened sense of sexual attraction and activity. Sex is a wonderful and necessary part of marriage, but it should not be your primary source of intimacy. Be sure to invest in emotional and spiritual intimacy as well. This could manifest in many ways: couples therapy, meditating or praying together, or weekly/daily conversation dates. And when it comes to physical intimacy, learn to talk about it.
Prioritise Compromise Over Compatibility
Early in a relationship, couples tend to focus more on their similarities than their differences. However, differences are likely to exist and when the hormones wears off you might struggle with them. You could start by noticing the disparate qualaties that shape the way you see the world. These differences are what make you unique as a couple. When those differences become problems, emphasise compromise, but rather than focus on your own needs, actively look for the places where you can agree. Even in the most difficult arguments, there is usually a place where your wants and needs align. Mastering the art of compromise is a lifelong skill.
Making these aspects of your relationship a priority will help you lay the foundation for lasting love. Friendship, intimacy, and compromise are just a few of the advanced skills for a successful relationship, and there’s no reason not to become intentional about them now. You’ll need them when the “Phoneymoon” period wears off. And here’s the secret: Mastering these skills will make it easier to recreate limerence down the line.
If you feel that you and your partner are pulling away from each other and what started as an intense romantic relationship is now less exciting and maybe at times even boring then you might consider a few of sessions of relationship counselling to improve and deepen the connection with your partner.